Everyone on my blog and Instagram only sees the happy-go-lucky girl in the photos who love all things fashion. I love my blog and Instagram, but I want everyone to know that life is not always as it seems through profiles. I wanted to reach out to everyone who battles with any mental illnesses. There will no new lookbook this week, only my journey with anxiety and depression because it has been heavy on my heart. I have severe depression and anxiety, and I don't take any medication. I used to be on a SSRI for my depression, but it made me feel worse and I laid on the couch not able to have any feelings over a year. I wasn't depressed, but I couldn't feel any emotions at all anymore. No more joy, no more laughter, no more pain, no more sadness. All I had left inside is an emptiness, which I still feel to this day because that is how my depression leaves me feeling. I have been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) from my doctor after a brief conversation with him. Now this is not a rant for not taking your medications for your disorders because please continue. The main reason I am not on any medication is because I have no health insurance, and honestly can't afford my doctor. Plus, I haven't found the right medication for me just yet. I've been battling the monsters that live in my head nonstop lately, and as I am writing this I feel a weight being lifted off my shoulders.
I want everyone to not be ashamed of any mental illnesses they may have because we should embrace it to move forward. Also, we can work together to ban this bad stigma that is still hanging on to mental illnesses. I want you to know that you are not alone, and I will be a listening ear for anyone that needs it. If you don't have a mental illness, be a listening ear for those that need it. Please stop saying they are over-reacting to small things because our minds work differently than yours. Sometimes I need my space, and other times I want to be wrapped so tight in someone's arms who loves me, so I feel safe and secure. Be gentle. Be kind. It is not always easy for us to convey the emotions we feel, or the reason we feel a certain way. Don't call me irrational. Stop telling me to stop worrying so much. Just be there as a friend, as a lover, as a family member, whatever you may be to those who need an ear. It might just save their life.
I will attempt to explain what goes on in my head on the worst days, so here it goes. I always feel like the voice in my head is always chipping away on my self-esteem that I am constantly trying to build or re-build. I feel empty. I feel lonely though I am surrounded by people that love me. I feel worthless, ugly, and disposable. I feel noone would miss me, if I were gone. Maybe I never should have been born. Images of suicide. Many different images of my death. Horrific scenes. I feel unworthy of everyone's love, and that I am an awful person. I feel afraid. Afraid of crowds. Afraid of people. Afraid of judgement. I worry. I worry for my family. I worry for my friends. I.worry about the past, present, and future. I worry about the world, and everything on the news. Constant worry. I can watch a sad news video, and be affected for several days or weeks. I feel vulnerable. I feel defeated. I feel apologetic. Anything that happens I feel sorry. I know it's not my fault, but I will apologize for everything. It never ceases just constant negative thoughts that keep me awake through the day and all through the night. I know it's irrational. I know it's unproductive, but that doesn't solve anything. I know trust me because I have dealt with this for as long as I can remember, even as a small child. Remember these are my worst days, and I am able to function normally, but some days I have to hide behind a facade to make it through the day. Since my blog began, I feel these feelings less frequently, but they are always there waiting in the shadows of my mind plotting their perfect moment to strike. My blog and Instagram have helped me battle my monsters in a constructive way. I have come a long way, but there is always room for improvement. To keep building my self-esteem and self-love for myself.
I don't want your pity, or for you to feel sorry for me. I just want to open everyone's eyes a little wider about mental illnesses. How some may feel, and how to communicate with them. Don't be too quick to judge and be a decent human being this may just be able to save a life that could be lost to mental illness. I have many wonderful people that are always there for me. I want to return the favor, and be there to help others like me. And to let you know that you are not alone. You are woth it in every single way. You are fierce. You are beautiful. You are flawless. We can make it through this together. Remeber to always to be nice to others because you don't know what could lie beneath the surface.
I want everyone to not be ashamed of any mental illnesses they may have because we should embrace it to move forward. Also, we can work together to ban this bad stigma that is still hanging on to mental illnesses. I want you to know that you are not alone, and I will be a listening ear for anyone that needs it. If you don't have a mental illness, be a listening ear for those that need it. Please stop saying they are over-reacting to small things because our minds work differently than yours. Sometimes I need my space, and other times I want to be wrapped so tight in someone's arms who loves me, so I feel safe and secure. Be gentle. Be kind. It is not always easy for us to convey the emotions we feel, or the reason we feel a certain way. Don't call me irrational. Stop telling me to stop worrying so much. Just be there as a friend, as a lover, as a family member, whatever you may be to those who need an ear. It might just save their life.
I will attempt to explain what goes on in my head on the worst days, so here it goes. I always feel like the voice in my head is always chipping away on my self-esteem that I am constantly trying to build or re-build. I feel empty. I feel lonely though I am surrounded by people that love me. I feel worthless, ugly, and disposable. I feel noone would miss me, if I were gone. Maybe I never should have been born. Images of suicide. Many different images of my death. Horrific scenes. I feel unworthy of everyone's love, and that I am an awful person. I feel afraid. Afraid of crowds. Afraid of people. Afraid of judgement. I worry. I worry for my family. I worry for my friends. I.worry about the past, present, and future. I worry about the world, and everything on the news. Constant worry. I can watch a sad news video, and be affected for several days or weeks. I feel vulnerable. I feel defeated. I feel apologetic. Anything that happens I feel sorry. I know it's not my fault, but I will apologize for everything. It never ceases just constant negative thoughts that keep me awake through the day and all through the night. I know it's irrational. I know it's unproductive, but that doesn't solve anything. I know trust me because I have dealt with this for as long as I can remember, even as a small child. Remember these are my worst days, and I am able to function normally, but some days I have to hide behind a facade to make it through the day. Since my blog began, I feel these feelings less frequently, but they are always there waiting in the shadows of my mind plotting their perfect moment to strike. My blog and Instagram have helped me battle my monsters in a constructive way. I have come a long way, but there is always room for improvement. To keep building my self-esteem and self-love for myself.
I don't want your pity, or for you to feel sorry for me. I just want to open everyone's eyes a little wider about mental illnesses. How some may feel, and how to communicate with them. Don't be too quick to judge and be a decent human being this may just be able to save a life that could be lost to mental illness. I have many wonderful people that are always there for me. I want to return the favor, and be there to help others like me. And to let you know that you are not alone. You are woth it in every single way. You are fierce. You are beautiful. You are flawless. We can make it through this together. Remeber to always to be nice to others because you don't know what could lie beneath the surface.